Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘religious doctrines’

It’s almost News Year’s Eve.

Where did that fucking year go!

And with this, a new year.

Thank God!

This past year was a fucking nightmare.

And every new year offers us a new opportunity.

An opportunity for self reflection.

An opportunity to examine the events of the past year and think of ways we can improve our lives.

So we sit down and we make a list.

And we call this list our New Year’s Resolutions.

As a service to my readers, I have compiled a number of possible New Year’s Resolutions that you might find helpful in making your list this New Year.

So here we go:

Stop smoking.

Stop drinking.

Stop eating enough for two or three people.

Be kind to others.

Stop farting at the dinner table,

breakfast is still OK.

Change your underwear at least once a month.

Quit loading your shotgun in the baby’s room.

Exercise more than…  start exercising.

Brush your tooth.

Quit saying “I dunno.”

Stop swinging the cat by the tail – it stopped being funny about a month ago.

Trim your nose hairs.

Quit talking on your cell phone while driving.

Quit texting, period.

Quit Twitter.

Boycott CNN and Fox.

Try to aim better when pissing.

Quit trying to shit standing up.

Spend more (some) time with your kids.

Read more.

Learn how to read.

Worry less.

Take more walks.

Quit feeling guilty.

Stop picking your nose while driving.

Quit bowling.

Eat more fish.

Buy Girl Scout Cookies whenever possible.

Mow your lawn more than twice a year.

Take down your fucking Christmas lights right after New Years.

Think about others occasionally, you self-centered prick.

Quit chewing tobacco.

Be more grateful.

Save money.

Stop smacking your gum.

Shave your back.

Return those lawn tools your borrowed three years ago.

Continue boycotting Walmart.

Quit blaming everyone else.

Worry less.

Stop eating Fast Food.

Let your dogs inside when it’s raining.

Quit pissing in the shower.

Call your Mother.

Take a night class.

Try calming the fuck down.

Be kind to small animals.

Take your head out of your ass.

Thank your wife for dinner occasionally.

Quit saying Seinfeld was the greatest show ever – we all know this.

Stop quoting movies.

Start quoting Ginsberg or Burroughs.

Listen more.

Worry less.

Quit listening to the “voices.”

Loose that mohawk.

Stop piercing your body.

Offer to help with the dishes.

Pick up the dog shit more than once a month.

Quit stealing your neighbor’s newspaper.

Quit “farming” on Facebook.

Quit Facebook.

Go out to dinner more often.

Quit calling strangers “Buddy, Boss or Dude.”

Water your plants.

Drink more water.

Loose 200 pounds.

Stop trying to control every fucking thing.

Quit being such an asshole.

Mind your own fucking business.

Play more.

Quit showing off your iPhone or your Droid. We don’t care anymore.

Take that fucking ear piece off when you’re not driving.

Quit spitting.

Worry less.

Take your bi-polar medication, please.

Stop blaming everything on your parents.

Order something new on the menu.

Quit talking shit behind people’s back.

Stand calmly in lines.

Treat your staff with dignity.

Quit lying!

Go to college.

Don’t drink milk after the expiration date.

Appreciate what you have.

Ride bicycles.

Quit saying “fuck” in every sentence.

Look at the sky more often.

Hold the door open for senior citizens, people in wheel chairs, and beautiful women with big tits.

Worry less.

Have a Happy New Year.

© 2012 OMW

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Unlike other religious doctrines, like the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, and the Book of Moron (not a typo), the Book of Asshole is a secret manifesto to which only a select few may subscribe. Although I’m happy to report that our population is growing by leaps and bounds.

But to become a devotee of Asshole, one must first meet a rigid criterion, and swear his or her allegiance to the revered and exulted Assholiness.

To become an official Asshole one must agree to following:

First and foremost, you must be a sociopath.

You can’t give a shit about anyone else and be a real Asshole.

Next, you must be dishonest, untrustworthy, and deceitful.

Or in layman’s terms, fuck everyone in the ass whenever possible and without remorse.

And what would an Asshole be if he or she wasn’t passive aggressive?

This is one of the most endearing and revolting characteristics of a pure, unadulterated Asshole.

To be a true Asshole, you must always be consistent.

Remember our credo, “Once an Asshole, always an Asshole.”

An Asshole should never be predictable.

The element of surprise has proven to be a very powerful and useful tool for Assholes throughout history.

You must talk trash on everyone, including your family and friends (they all secretly hate you anyway, don’t they?).

There’s nothing more fun and effective than creating lies that defame someone’s character and/or their reputation. Especially if they loose their job.

Run for public office.

There’s nothing more exciting than an Asshole in charge of other people’s destiny – this one brings tears to my eyes.

Lie and Cheat whenever possible.

This includes everything from card games to your income taxes. Or especially on your income taxes, fuck those lazy middle class bastards.

Never take responsibility for anything.

You can always blame it on some innocent sap if you think hard enough. Be creative.

Make higher education even more elitist.

Keep the people stupid and hungry at all costs. They’re much easier to fuck over that way.

Never trust anyone, not even another Asshole.

Be careful out there, Assholes have been known to even destroy there own kind.

Dress well and smile.

An attractive and well groomed Asshole is an effective and productive Asshole.

Stay in shape by abusing and/or killing small defenseless animals.

Although usually recommended for young and aspiring Assholes, it never hurts to keep on top of your game.

Never offer to pay for anything, ever.

There’s always some fool that will proudly pick-up the tab – worst case scenario, fake a heart attack.

Remove the word “loyalty” from your vocabulary.

A real Asshole is only loyal to one thing, the Asshole’s credo.

Demolish all social programs.

No one really cares about the poor anyway, especially Assholes.

Never help anyone in need.

In fact, see if there are any possibilities to take advantage of their unfortunate circumstances.

Have illicit affairs whenever opportunity knocks.

And don’t apologize, your needs always come first.

Report your neighborhoods to code enforcement.

For all you know, that room addition they’ve been bragging about all summer could now be harboring illegal aliens.

Use other belief systems to promote your hidden agenda.

Manipulate and take advantage of larger groups of people by claiming that you have been sent here by their God.

Always complain in restaurants and never leave a tip.

Who knows, you might get a discount or even get a free meal.

And last, but certainly not least, become a member of the Republican Party.

You won’t find a larger or more devoted group of Assholes anywhere else on the planet.

©OMW 2012

Read Full Post »