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Posts Tagged ‘oprah’

It’s almost News Year’s Eve.

Where did that fucking year go!

And with this, a new year.

Thank God!

This past year was a fucking nightmare.

And every new year offers us a new opportunity.

An opportunity for self reflection.

An opportunity to examine the events of the past year and think of ways we can improve our lives.

So we sit down and we make a list.

And we call this list our New Year’s Resolutions.

As a service to my readers, I have compiled a number of possible New Year’s Resolutions that you might find helpful in making your list this New Year.

So here we go:

Stop smoking.

Stop drinking.

Stop eating enough for two or three people.

Be kind to others.

Stop farting at the dinner table,

breakfast is still OK.

Change your underwear at least once a month.

Quit loading your shotgun in the baby’s room.

Exercise more than…  start exercising.

Brush your tooth.

Quit saying “I dunno.”

Stop swinging the cat by the tail – it stopped being funny about a month ago.

Trim your nose hairs.

Quit talking on your cell phone while driving.

Quit texting, period.

Quit Twitter.

Boycott CNN and Fox.

Try to aim better when pissing.

Quit trying to shit standing up.

Spend more (some) time with your kids.

Read more.

Learn how to read.

Worry less.

Take more walks.

Quit feeling guilty.

Stop picking your nose while driving.

Quit bowling.

Eat more fish.

Buy Girl Scout Cookies whenever possible.

Mow your lawn more than twice a year.

Take down your fucking Christmas lights right after New Years.

Think about others occasionally, you self-centered prick.

Quit chewing tobacco.

Be more grateful.

Save money.

Stop smacking your gum.

Shave your back.

Return those lawn tools your borrowed three years ago.

Continue boycotting Walmart.

Quit blaming everyone else.

Worry less.

Stop eating Fast Food.

Let your dogs inside when it’s raining.

Quit pissing in the shower.

Call your Mother.

Take a night class.

Try calming the fuck down.

Be kind to small animals.

Take your head out of your ass.

Thank your wife for dinner occasionally.

Quit saying Seinfeld was the greatest show ever – we all know this.

Stop quoting movies.

Start quoting Ginsberg or Burroughs.

Listen more.

Worry less.

Quit listening to the “voices.”

Loose that mohawk.

Stop piercing your body.

Offer to help with the dishes.

Pick up the dog shit more than once a month.

Quit stealing your neighbor’s newspaper.

Quit “farming” on Facebook.

Quit Facebook.

Go out to dinner more often.

Quit calling strangers “Buddy, Boss or Dude.”

Water your plants.

Drink more water.

Loose 200 pounds.

Stop trying to control every fucking thing.

Quit being such an asshole.

Mind your own fucking business.

Play more.

Quit showing off your iPhone or your Droid. We don’t care anymore.

Take that fucking ear piece off when you’re not driving.

Quit spitting.

Worry less.

Take your bi-polar medication, please.

Stop blaming everything on your parents.

Order something new on the menu.

Quit talking shit behind people’s back.

Stand calmly in lines.

Treat your staff with dignity.

Quit lying!

Go to college.

Don’t drink milk after the expiration date.

Appreciate what you have.

Ride bicycles.

Quit saying “fuck” in every sentence.

Look at the sky more often.

Hold the door open for senior citizens, people in wheel chairs, and beautiful women with big tits.

Worry less.

Have a Happy New Year.

© 2012 OMW

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It’s almost Thanksgiving again.

Wasn’t it just the Fourth of July?

But the leaves are falling,

and it’s colder than fuck.

So it must be time again,

for the fattest nation on earth,

to stuff their birds and their fat ugly faces,

and eat themselves into a triptafan induced coma.

Thanksgiving.

It’s just another holiday.

Just another excuse to spend too much.

Another excuse to eat too much.

Another excuse to drink too much.

Another excuse to capitalize on a national tradition.

Just another excuse for corporate America to exploit the masses.

By creating a massive obligation for everyone to be thankful – whether they are or not.

But what if you’re not thankful?

What if you’re not in the mood to celebrate?

What if you’re now so poor that you can’t afford a fucking turkey dinner with all the trimmings?

What if your Thanksgiving dinner will consist of a plate of Top Ramen formed into the shape of a fucking turkey?

And washed down with a glass of Thunderbird?

Are you supposed to be thankful for this?

Maybe so.

Maybe that’s what Thanksgiving is.

A day to show our gratitude,

our appreciation,

our thankfulness.

No matter what your present circumstances are.

But unfortunately, most people are not grateful.

They’re not thankful.

They feel entitled.

Who are these pompous assholes?

That create a dinner that becomes more of an ego statement than a culinary delight.

That’s not gratitude.

That’s decadence.

Look at my turkey dinner,

Look at my table,

Look at my decorations,

Look at me.

Fuck you!

Take that turkey and shove it up your fat ass,

I’m going to Denny’s!

Moving on.

Have you ever noticed that the word “Thanksgiving” doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Think about it.

Thanksgiving.

Just because these two words were put together,

doesn’t make it proper English (Public schools).

Somebody made this shit up.

Thanksgiving!

What the fuck does that mean?

Maybe it should have been “Thank You Day,”

or “Thanks a Lot Day.”

or “Giving Thanks Day.”

But who are we thanking anyway?

Am I supposed to thank you?

You didn’t do a fucking thing for me all year.

Fuck you!

Are we supposed to thank our government?

For what, trying to destroy the American Dream?

Fuck you Bush!

Maybe we’re supposed to thank God?

Or Mother Nature?

Or the Universe?

Maybe that’s it?

Maybe we’re supposed to show our gratitude for the things we all take for granted?

Like our planet,

like our lives,

like the lives of others.

And we show our “thanks” by creating a feast and “giving” it to our friends and loved ones.

Now I get it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2013 OMW

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I think I finally understand the Republican’s basic philosophy,

fuck you, and you and you.

It’s just a big fuck you,

to just about everyone.

Except the extremely rich of course.

They claim they want less government,

or no government intervention.

(unless one those rich bastards needs a bail out).

They want everyone to either sink or swim on their own.

No labor unions.

No healthcare.

No public radio.

No support for the arts.

No social security.

No banking regulations.

In fact no regulations at all.

No welfare.

No unemployment insurance.

No minimum wage.

No nothing.

And they claim to be Christians?

Who are these assholes?

And why did you vote for them?

The Democrats,

on the other hand.

want to help everyone.

They want more government,

more programs to help the people.

They say yes to human rights,

Yes to healthcare,

Yes to public radio,

Yes to government regulations,

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Fuck yes!

Social programs?

Bring-’em on.

They actually want to help the American people.

And what’s wrong with that?

Not everyone in American was born with a silver spoon up their ass,

let alone service for twelve.

Our people need help.

They need safe food to eat.

Safe water to drink.

A safe place to live.

They need an education.

An opportunity to work and to support their families.

They need a caring government,

a compassionate government,

that assures that each and and everyone of us,

has the right to our basic freedoms.

Freedom from suppression,

Freedom from servitude,

Freedom from predatory lenders,

Freedom to think and speak our minds.

Freedom to worship the God of our choice.

Freedom to educate ourselves.

And the Freedom to vote against the tyranny of the rich and powerful.

The same rich and powerful that now own everything,

including the media.

And the politicians.

No wonder they don’t want public radio,

they don’t want the people to hear the truth.

They now control the message.

For he that controls the message,

controls the mind of the populous.

And an uneducated population is even easier to persuade,

to control.

Keep them ignorant, pregnant and in debt.

The best thing that the American people can do,

to ensure that their minds are not controllable,

is to read,

think for yourself,

pay attention to what is really happening,

get an education,

turn off the radio,

and the TV.

And don’t allow yourself to become depressed,

obese,

and complacent.

Be strong,

and fight for your rights,

as Americans.

This is your country,

the same country that your ancestors,

gave up their live’s to protect.

To protect the freedom of future generations.

Well that freedom is now in jeopardy.

And we all need to stand up against these maniacal bastards,

and use the only weapon we have.

Our vote.

But we must use this weapon wisely,

by supporting only those candidates,

that will serve the interests of the American people,

not the interests of the rich and powerful.

God Bless America.

And fuck the Republican Party,

in their elephant’s ass.

© OMW 2012

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