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Posts Tagged ‘mormons’

Unlike other religious doctrines, like the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, and the Book of Moron (not a typo), the Book of Asshole is a secret manifesto to which only a select few may subscribe. Although I’m happy to report that our population is growing by leaps and bounds.

But to become a devotee of Asshole, one must first meet a rigid criterion, and swear his or her allegiance to the revered and exulted Assholiness.

To become an official Asshole one must agree to following:

First and foremost, you must be a sociopath.

You can’t give a shit about anyone else and be a real Asshole.

Next, you must be dishonest, untrustworthy, and deceitful.

Or in layman’s terms, fuck everyone in the ass whenever possible and without remorse.

And what would an Asshole be if he or she wasn’t passive aggressive?

This is one of the most endearing and revolting characteristics of a pure, unadulterated Asshole.

To be a true Asshole, you must always be consistent.

Remember our credo, “Once an Asshole, always an Asshole.”

An Asshole should never be predictable.

The element of surprise has proven to be a very powerful and useful tool for Assholes throughout history.

You must talk trash on everyone, including your family and friends (they all secretly hate you anyway, don’t they?).

There’s nothing more fun and effective than creating lies that defame someone’s character and/or their reputation. Especially if they loose their job.

Run for public office.

There’s nothing more exciting than an Asshole in charge of other people’s destiny – this one brings tears to my eyes.

Lie and Cheat whenever possible.

This includes everything from card games to your income taxes. Or especially on your income taxes, fuck those lazy middle class bastards.

Never take responsibility for anything.

You can always blame it on some innocent sap if you think hard enough. Be creative.

Make higher education even more elitist.

Keep the people stupid and hungry at all costs. They’re much easier to fuck over that way.

Never trust anyone, not even another Asshole.

Be careful out there, Assholes have been known to even destroy there own kind.

Dress well and smile.

An attractive and well groomed Asshole is an effective and productive Asshole.

Stay in shape by abusing and/or killing small defenseless animals.

Although usually recommended for young and aspiring Assholes, it never hurts to keep on top of your game.

Never offer to pay for anything, ever.

There’s always some fool that will proudly pick-up the tab – worst case scenario, fake a heart attack.

Remove the word “loyalty” from your vocabulary.

A real Asshole is only loyal to one thing, the Asshole’s credo.

Demolish all social programs.

No one really cares about the poor anyway, especially Assholes.

Never help anyone in need.

In fact, see if there are any possibilities to take advantage of their unfortunate circumstances.

Have illicit affairs whenever opportunity knocks.

And don’t apologize, your needs always come first.

Report your neighborhoods to code enforcement.

For all you know, that room addition they’ve been bragging about all summer could now be harboring illegal aliens.

Use other belief systems to promote your hidden agenda.

Manipulate and take advantage of larger groups of people by claiming that you have been sent here by their God.

Always complain in restaurants and never leave a tip.

Who knows, you might get a discount or even get a free meal.

And last, but certainly not least, become a member of the Republican Party.

You won’t find a larger or more devoted group of Assholes anywhere else on the planet.

©OMW 2012

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