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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

To celebrate the upcoming holiday season,

here’s a chapter from my Best Selling Book,

“Being Human.”

We have a lot of Holidays, here in America.

Probably too many.

To prove my point,

here’s a partial list of Holidays we celebrate every year.

We start the year off with New Years day.

Then there’s Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday,

Groundhog Day,

Lincoln’s Birthday,

St. Valentine’s Day,

President’s Day,

Washington’s Birthday,

St. Patrick’s Day

April Fools’ Day,

Easter,

Earth Day,

May Day,

Mother’s Day,

Armed Forces Day,

Memorial Day,

Flag Day,

Father’s Day,

Independence Day,

Labor Day,

Grandparents’ Day,

Patriot Day,

Citizenship Day,

Columbus Day,

Halloween,

Election Day,

Thanksgiving Day,

World Aids Day,

Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day,

Human Rights Day,

Christmas Eve,

and finally,

Christmas Day.

Now that’s a lot of fucking holidays.

Personally, I think there are only two holidays worth celebrating:

Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Fuck April Fool’s Day, Patriot Day and all the rest of those bullshit holidays.

Thanksgiving and Christmas, now these are real Holidays.

There’s always good food, family and friends, presents and of course, alcohol.

A good time is had by all.

Or so we hope.

And, if you’re not having a good time, get drunk.

It’s OK, it’s the Holidays.

But for some, the holidays are a miserable time.

A time of sadness and disappointment.

In fact, there are more suicides during the holiday season then any other time of the year.

Happy Holidays.

But for most, the holidays are a special time.

A time to show our love to our families and friends.

A time to reflect upon our lives and appreciate what we have.

But what if you don’t like your life?

What if you have nothing to celebrate?

What if you are stuck in a miserable existence, surrounded by people that you hate?

Or, worse yet, people that hate you?

Happy Holidays.

Unfortunately, this situation is more common than not.

The holidays force us into the same room, with family members we haven’t seen all year.

People we would never associate with, outside the holiday milieu.

But we all put on our Holiday Faces, and make the best of it.

We try our best to perpetuate the illusion of love and happiness.

We even buy gifts for these assholes.

All for the sake of the holiday season, for the sake of our families, for peace on earth.

If the truth be known, most people hate the holidays.

We eat too much, drink too much, and spend way too much money, on bullshit no one really wants or needs.

Things like neckties, electric back scratchers and those fucking fruitcakes.

But, what if we didn’t spend all this money during the Holidays?

What if we collected all the money spent on gifts and gave it to the poor, starving people around the world?

That’s about as likely to happen as finally telling your Uncle Jerk that’s he’s a inappropriate, overbearing, perverted asshole.

It’ll never happen.

Why?

Because there’s too much money to be made.

The business world has been waiting for this all year.

The Holiday Season is the epitome of our capitalistic ideology.

Create a day that requires everyone, everywhere, to buy as much shit as they possibly can.

For people they don’t even like.

It’s brilliant! And we’ve all bought into it.

In fact, we love it.

It makes us feel good. It gives us a chance, for one day a year, to feel like we’re a loving, caring, generous people.

We can be an asshole the rest of the year, but on Christmas, we’re a saint.

And the more you spend, the better a person you are.

“Look at me, I just spent a fortune on your fat ass, now what do you think of me?”

“If the truth be known, you’re still a fucking asshole.

But thanks for the gifts.”

The Holidays can also be very competitive too.

Whoever buys the best shit wins.

“I gave you a solid gold watch and you have the nerve to give me these cheap fucking earrings?

Is this how you really feel about me, after all I’ve done for you? You cheap bastard.

Thanks for ruining my Christmas.”

“Fuck you and the reindeer you rode in on.”

Happy Holidazes.

© 2012 OMW

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It’s almost Thanksgiving again.

Wasn’t it just the Fourth of July?

But the leaves are falling,

and it’s colder than fuck.

So it must be time again,

for the fattest nation on earth,

to stuff their birds and their fat ugly faces,

and eat themselves into a triptafan induced coma.

Thanksgiving.

It’s just another holiday.

Just another excuse to spend too much.

Another excuse to eat too much.

Another excuse to drink too much.

Another excuse to capitalize on a national tradition.

Just another excuse for corporate America to exploit the masses.

By creating a massive obligation for everyone to be thankful – whether they are or not.

But what if you’re not thankful?

What if you’re not in the mood to celebrate?

What if you’re now so poor that you can’t afford a fucking turkey dinner with all the trimmings?

What if your Thanksgiving dinner will consist of a plate of Top Ramen formed into the shape of a fucking turkey?

And washed down with a glass of Thunderbird?

Are you supposed to be thankful for this?

Maybe so.

Maybe that’s what Thanksgiving is.

A day to show our gratitude,

our appreciation,

our thankfulness.

No matter what your present circumstances are.

But unfortunately, most people are not grateful.

They’re not thankful.

They feel entitled.

Who are these pompous assholes?

That create a dinner that becomes more of an ego statement than a culinary delight.

That’s not gratitude.

That’s decadence.

Look at my turkey dinner,

Look at my table,

Look at my decorations,

Look at me.

Fuck you!

Take that turkey and shove it up your fat ass,

I’m going to Denny’s!

Moving on.

Have you ever noticed that the word “Thanksgiving” doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Think about it.

Thanksgiving.

Just because these two words were put together,

doesn’t make it proper English (Public schools).

Somebody made this shit up.

Thanksgiving!

What the fuck does that mean?

Maybe it should have been “Thank You Day,”

or “Thanks a Lot Day.”

or “Giving Thanks Day.”

But who are we thanking anyway?

Am I supposed to thank you?

You didn’t do a fucking thing for me all year.

Fuck you!

Are we supposed to thank our government?

For what, trying to destroy the American Dream?

Fuck you Bush!

Maybe we’re supposed to thank God?

Or Mother Nature?

Or the Universe?

Maybe that’s it?

Maybe we’re supposed to show our gratitude for the things we all take for granted?

Like our planet,

like our lives,

like the lives of others.

And we show our “thanks” by creating a feast and “giving” it to our friends and loved ones.

Now I get it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2013 OMW

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Unlike other religious doctrines, like the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, and the Book of Moron (not a typo), the Book of Asshole is a secret manifesto to which only a select few may subscribe. Although I’m happy to report that our population is growing by leaps and bounds.

But to become a devotee of Asshole, one must first meet a rigid criterion, and swear his or her allegiance to the revered and exulted Assholiness.

To become an official Asshole one must agree to following:

First and foremost, you must be a sociopath.

You can’t give a shit about anyone else and be a real Asshole.

Next, you must be dishonest, untrustworthy, and deceitful.

Or in layman’s terms, fuck everyone in the ass whenever possible and without remorse.

And what would an Asshole be if he or she wasn’t passive aggressive?

This is one of the most endearing and revolting characteristics of a pure, unadulterated Asshole.

To be a true Asshole, you must always be consistent.

Remember our credo, “Once an Asshole, always an Asshole.”

An Asshole should never be predictable.

The element of surprise has proven to be a very powerful and useful tool for Assholes throughout history.

You must talk trash on everyone, including your family and friends (they all secretly hate you anyway, don’t they?).

There’s nothing more fun and effective than creating lies that defame someone’s character and/or their reputation. Especially if they loose their job.

Run for public office.

There’s nothing more exciting than an Asshole in charge of other people’s destiny – this one brings tears to my eyes.

Lie and Cheat whenever possible.

This includes everything from card games to your income taxes. Or especially on your income taxes, fuck those lazy middle class bastards.

Never take responsibility for anything.

You can always blame it on some innocent sap if you think hard enough. Be creative.

Make higher education even more elitist.

Keep the people stupid and hungry at all costs. They’re much easier to fuck over that way.

Never trust anyone, not even another Asshole.

Be careful out there, Assholes have been known to even destroy there own kind.

Dress well and smile.

An attractive and well groomed Asshole is an effective and productive Asshole.

Stay in shape by abusing and/or killing small defenseless animals.

Although usually recommended for young and aspiring Assholes, it never hurts to keep on top of your game.

Never offer to pay for anything, ever.

There’s always some fool that will proudly pick-up the tab – worst case scenario, fake a heart attack.

Remove the word “loyalty” from your vocabulary.

A real Asshole is only loyal to one thing, the Asshole’s credo.

Demolish all social programs.

No one really cares about the poor anyway, especially Assholes.

Never help anyone in need.

In fact, see if there are any possibilities to take advantage of their unfortunate circumstances.

Have illicit affairs whenever opportunity knocks.

And don’t apologize, your needs always come first.

Report your neighborhoods to code enforcement.

For all you know, that room addition they’ve been bragging about all summer could now be harboring illegal aliens.

Use other belief systems to promote your hidden agenda.

Manipulate and take advantage of larger groups of people by claiming that you have been sent here by their God.

Always complain in restaurants and never leave a tip.

Who knows, you might get a discount or even get a free meal.

And last, but certainly not least, become a member of the Republican Party.

You won’t find a larger or more devoted group of Assholes anywhere else on the planet.

©OMW 2012

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I think I finally understand the Republican’s basic philosophy,

fuck you, and you and you.

It’s just a big fuck you,

to just about everyone.

Except the extremely rich of course.

They claim they want less government,

or no government intervention.

(unless one those rich bastards needs a bail out).

They want everyone to either sink or swim on their own.

No labor unions.

No healthcare.

No public radio.

No support for the arts.

No social security.

No banking regulations.

In fact no regulations at all.

No welfare.

No unemployment insurance.

No minimum wage.

No nothing.

And they claim to be Christians?

Who are these assholes?

And why did you vote for them?

The Democrats,

on the other hand.

want to help everyone.

They want more government,

more programs to help the people.

They say yes to human rights,

Yes to healthcare,

Yes to public radio,

Yes to government regulations,

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Fuck yes!

Social programs?

Bring-’em on.

They actually want to help the American people.

And what’s wrong with that?

Not everyone in American was born with a silver spoon up their ass,

let alone service for twelve.

Our people need help.

They need safe food to eat.

Safe water to drink.

A safe place to live.

They need an education.

An opportunity to work and to support their families.

They need a caring government,

a compassionate government,

that assures that each and and everyone of us,

has the right to our basic freedoms.

Freedom from suppression,

Freedom from servitude,

Freedom from predatory lenders,

Freedom to think and speak our minds.

Freedom to worship the God of our choice.

Freedom to educate ourselves.

And the Freedom to vote against the tyranny of the rich and powerful.

The same rich and powerful that now own everything,

including the media.

And the politicians.

No wonder they don’t want public radio,

they don’t want the people to hear the truth.

They now control the message.

For he that controls the message,

controls the mind of the populous.

And an uneducated population is even easier to persuade,

to control.

Keep them ignorant, pregnant and in debt.

The best thing that the American people can do,

to ensure that their minds are not controllable,

is to read,

think for yourself,

pay attention to what is really happening,

get an education,

turn off the radio,

and the TV.

And don’t allow yourself to become depressed,

obese,

and complacent.

Be strong,

and fight for your rights,

as Americans.

This is your country,

the same country that your ancestors,

gave up their live’s to protect.

To protect the freedom of future generations.

Well that freedom is now in jeopardy.

And we all need to stand up against these maniacal bastards,

and use the only weapon we have.

Our vote.

But we must use this weapon wisely,

by supporting only those candidates,

that will serve the interests of the American people,

not the interests of the rich and powerful.

God Bless America.

And fuck the Republican Party,

in their elephant’s ass.

© OMW 2012

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