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Posts Tagged ‘asshole’

It’s almost Thanksgiving again.

Wasn’t it just the Fourth of July?

But the leaves are falling,

and it’s colder than fuck.

So it must be time again,

for the fattest nation on earth,

to stuff their birds and their fat ugly faces,

and eat themselves into a triptafan induced coma.

Thanksgiving.

It’s just another holiday.

Just another excuse to spend too much.

Another excuse to eat too much.

Another excuse to drink too much.

Another excuse to capitalize on a national tradition.

Just another excuse for corporate America to exploit the masses.

By creating a massive obligation for everyone to be thankful – whether they are or not.

But what if you’re not thankful?

What if you’re not in the mood to celebrate?

What if you’re now so poor that you can’t afford a fucking turkey dinner with all the trimmings?

What if your Thanksgiving dinner will consist of a plate of Top Ramen formed into the shape of a fucking turkey?

And washed down with a glass of Thunderbird?

Are you supposed to be thankful for this?

Maybe so.

Maybe that’s what Thanksgiving is.

A day to show our gratitude,

our appreciation,

our thankfulness.

No matter what your present circumstances are.

But unfortunately, most people are not grateful.

They’re not thankful.

They feel entitled.

Who are these pompous assholes?

That create a dinner that becomes more of an ego statement than a culinary delight.

That’s not gratitude.

That’s decadence.

Look at my turkey dinner,

Look at my table,

Look at my decorations,

Look at me.

Fuck you!

Take that turkey and shove it up your fat ass,

I’m going to Denny’s!

Moving on.

Have you ever noticed that the word “Thanksgiving” doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Think about it.

Thanksgiving.

Just because these two words were put together,

doesn’t make it proper English (Public schools).

Somebody made this shit up.

Thanksgiving!

What the fuck does that mean?

Maybe it should have been “Thank You Day,”

or “Thanks a Lot Day.”

or “Giving Thanks Day.”

But who are we thanking anyway?

Am I supposed to thank you?

You didn’t do a fucking thing for me all year.

Fuck you!

Are we supposed to thank our government?

For what, trying to destroy the American Dream?

Fuck you Bush!

Maybe we’re supposed to thank God?

Or Mother Nature?

Or the Universe?

Maybe that’s it?

Maybe we’re supposed to show our gratitude for the things we all take for granted?

Like our planet,

like our lives,

like the lives of others.

And we show our “thanks” by creating a feast and “giving” it to our friends and loved ones.

Now I get it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2013 OMW

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Unlike other religious doctrines, like the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, and the Book of Moron (not a typo), the Book of Asshole is a secret manifesto to which only a select few may subscribe. Although I’m happy to report that our population is growing by leaps and bounds.

But to become a devotee of Asshole, one must first meet a rigid criterion, and swear his or her allegiance to the revered and exulted Assholiness.

To become an official Asshole one must agree to following:

First and foremost, you must be a sociopath.

You can’t give a shit about anyone else and be a real Asshole.

Next, you must be dishonest, untrustworthy, and deceitful.

Or in layman’s terms, fuck everyone in the ass whenever possible and without remorse.

And what would an Asshole be if he or she wasn’t passive aggressive?

This is one of the most endearing and revolting characteristics of a pure, unadulterated Asshole.

To be a true Asshole, you must always be consistent.

Remember our credo, “Once an Asshole, always an Asshole.”

An Asshole should never be predictable.

The element of surprise has proven to be a very powerful and useful tool for Assholes throughout history.

You must talk trash on everyone, including your family and friends (they all secretly hate you anyway, don’t they?).

There’s nothing more fun and effective than creating lies that defame someone’s character and/or their reputation. Especially if they loose their job.

Run for public office.

There’s nothing more exciting than an Asshole in charge of other people’s destiny – this one brings tears to my eyes.

Lie and Cheat whenever possible.

This includes everything from card games to your income taxes. Or especially on your income taxes, fuck those lazy middle class bastards.

Never take responsibility for anything.

You can always blame it on some innocent sap if you think hard enough. Be creative.

Make higher education even more elitist.

Keep the people stupid and hungry at all costs. They’re much easier to fuck over that way.

Never trust anyone, not even another Asshole.

Be careful out there, Assholes have been known to even destroy there own kind.

Dress well and smile.

An attractive and well groomed Asshole is an effective and productive Asshole.

Stay in shape by abusing and/or killing small defenseless animals.

Although usually recommended for young and aspiring Assholes, it never hurts to keep on top of your game.

Never offer to pay for anything, ever.

There’s always some fool that will proudly pick-up the tab – worst case scenario, fake a heart attack.

Remove the word “loyalty” from your vocabulary.

A real Asshole is only loyal to one thing, the Asshole’s credo.

Demolish all social programs.

No one really cares about the poor anyway, especially Assholes.

Never help anyone in need.

In fact, see if there are any possibilities to take advantage of their unfortunate circumstances.

Have illicit affairs whenever opportunity knocks.

And don’t apologize, your needs always come first.

Report your neighborhoods to code enforcement.

For all you know, that room addition they’ve been bragging about all summer could now be harboring illegal aliens.

Use other belief systems to promote your hidden agenda.

Manipulate and take advantage of larger groups of people by claiming that you have been sent here by their God.

Always complain in restaurants and never leave a tip.

Who knows, you might get a discount or even get a free meal.

And last, but certainly not least, become a member of the Republican Party.

You won’t find a larger or more devoted group of Assholes anywhere else on the planet.

©OMW 2012

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