Why is it that Republicans always benefit from a Democratic administration and Democrats always suffer from a Republican administration?
It’s almost News Year’s Eve.
Where did that fucking year go!
And with this, a new year.
This past year was a fucking nightmare.
And every new year offers us a new opportunity.
An opportunity for self reflection.
An opportunity to examine the events of the past year and think of ways we can improve our lives.
So we sit down and we make a list.
And we call this list our New Year’s Resolutions.
As a service to my readers, I have compiled a number of possible New Year’s Resolutions that you might find helpful in making your list this New Year.
So here we go:
Stop eating enough for two or three people.
Be kind to others.
Stop farting at the dinner table,
breakfast is still OK.
Change your underwear at least once a month.
Quit loading your shotgun in the baby’s room.
Exercise more than… start exercising.
Brush your tooth.
Quit saying “I dunno.”
Stop swinging the cat by the tail – it stopped being funny about a month ago.
Trim your nose hairs.
Quit talking on your cell phone while driving.
Quit texting, period.
Boycott CNN and Fox.
Try to aim better when pissing.
Quit trying to shit standing up.
Spend more (some) time with your kids.
Learn how to read.
Take more walks.
Quit feeling guilty.
Stop picking your nose while driving.
Eat more fish.
Buy Girl Scout Cookies whenever possible.
Mow your lawn more than twice a year.
Take down your fucking Christmas lights right after New Years.
Think about others occasionally, you self-centered prick.
Quit chewing tobacco.
Be more grateful.
Stop smacking your gum.
Shave your back.
Return those lawn tools your borrowed three years ago.
Continue boycotting Walmart.
Quit blaming everyone else.
Stop eating Fast Food.
Let your dogs inside when it’s raining.
Quit pissing in the shower.
Call your Mother.
Take a night class.
Try calming the fuck down.
Be kind to small animals.
Take your head out of your ass.
Thank your wife for dinner occasionally.
Quit saying Seinfeld was the greatest show ever – we all know this.
Stop quoting movies.
Start quoting Ginsberg or Burroughs.
Quit listening to the “voices.”
Loose that mohawk.
Stop piercing your body.
Offer to help with the dishes.
Pick up the dog shit more than once a month.
Quit stealing your neighbor’s newspaper.
Quit “farming” on Facebook.
Go out to dinner more often.
Quit calling strangers “Buddy, Boss or Dude.”
Water your plants.
Drink more water.
Loose 200 pounds.
Stop trying to control every fucking thing.
Quit being such an asshole.
Mind your own fucking business.
Quit showing off your iPhone or your Droid. We don’t care anymore.
Take that fucking ear piece off when you’re not driving.
Take your bi-polar medication, please.
Stop blaming everything on your parents.
Order something new on the menu.
Quit talking shit behind people’s back.
Stand calmly in lines.
Treat your staff with dignity.
Go to college.
Don’t drink milk after the expiration date.
Appreciate what you have.
Quit saying “fuck” in every sentence.
Look at the sky more often.
Hold the door open for senior citizens, people in wheel chairs, and beautiful women with big tits.
Have a Happy New Year.
© 2012 OMW
Posted in New Posts | Tagged america, baby boomers, being human, culture, funny, Happy New Year, Holidays, inspiration, koch brothers, mike sasso, New Year, New Year's Resolutions, old man walking, oprah, religion, religious doctrines, weeklyrant | 2 Comments »
To celebrate the upcoming holiday season,
here’s a chapter from my Best Selling Book,
We have a lot of Holidays, here in America.
Probably too many.
To prove my point,
here’s a partial list of Holidays we celebrate every year.
We start the year off with New Years day.
Then there’s Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday,
St. Valentine’s Day,
St. Patrick’s Day
April Fools’ Day,
Armed Forces Day,
World Aids Day,
Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day,
Human Rights Day,
Now that’s a lot of fucking holidays.
Personally, I think there are only two holidays worth celebrating:
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Fuck April Fool’s Day, Patriot Day and all the rest of those bullshit holidays.
Thanksgiving and Christmas, now these are real Holidays.
There’s always good food, family and friends, presents and of course, alcohol.
A good time is had by all.
Or so we hope.
And, if you’re not having a good time, get drunk.
It’s OK, it’s the Holidays.
But for some, the holidays are a miserable time.
A time of sadness and disappointment.
In fact, there are more suicides during the holiday season then any other time of the year.
But for most, the holidays are a special time.
A time to show our love to our families and friends.
A time to reflect upon our lives and appreciate what we have.
But what if you don’t like your life?
What if you have nothing to celebrate?
What if you are stuck in a miserable existence, surrounded by people that you hate?
Or, worse yet, people that hate you?
Unfortunately, this situation is more common than not.
The holidays force us into the same room, with family members we haven’t seen all year.
People we would never associate with, outside the holiday milieu.
But we all put on our Holiday Faces, and make the best of it.
We try our best to perpetuate the illusion of love and happiness.
We even buy gifts for these assholes.
All for the sake of the holiday season, for the sake of our families, for peace on earth.
If the truth be known, most people hate the holidays.
We eat too much, drink too much, and spend way too much money, on bullshit no one really wants or needs.
Things like neckties, electric back scratchers and those fucking fruitcakes.
But, what if we didn’t spend all this money during the Holidays?
What if we collected all the money spent on gifts and gave it to the poor, starving people around the world?
That’s about as likely to happen as finally telling your Uncle Jerk that’s he’s a inappropriate, overbearing, perverted asshole.
It’ll never happen.
Because there’s too much money to be made.
The business world has been waiting for this all year.
The Holiday Season is the epitome of our capitalistic ideology.
Create a day that requires everyone, everywhere, to buy as much shit as they possibly can.
For people they don’t even like.
It’s brilliant! And we’ve all bought into it.
In fact, we love it.
It makes us feel good. It gives us a chance, for one day a year, to feel like we’re a loving, caring, generous people.
We can be an asshole the rest of the year, but on Christmas, we’re a saint.
And the more you spend, the better a person you are.
“Look at me, I just spent a fortune on your fat ass, now what do you think of me?”
“If the truth be known, you’re still a fucking asshole.
But thanks for the gifts.”
The Holidays can also be very competitive too.
Whoever buys the best shit wins.
“I gave you a solid gold watch and you have the nerve to give me these cheap fucking earrings?
Is this how you really feel about me, after all I’ve done for you? You cheap bastard.
Thanks for ruining my Christmas.”
“Fuck you and the reindeer you rode in on.”
© 2012 OMW
Posted in New Posts | Tagged america, baby boomers, being human, Christmas, culture, funny, Holidays, humor, Ignorance, informative, inspiration, mike sasso, old man walking, religion, weeklyrant | Leave a Comment »
It’s almost Thanksgiving again.
Wasn’t it just the Fourth of July?
But the leaves are falling,
and it’s colder than fuck.
So it must be time again,
for the fattest nation on earth,
to stuff their birds and their fat ugly faces,
and eat themselves into a triptafan induced coma.
It’s just another holiday.
Just another excuse to spend too much.
Another excuse to eat too much.
Another excuse to drink too much.
Another excuse to capitalize on a national tradition.
Just another excuse for corporate America to exploit the masses.
By creating a massive obligation for everyone to be thankful – whether they are or not.
But what if you’re not thankful?
What if you’re not in the mood to celebrate?
What if you’re now so poor that you can’t afford a fucking turkey dinner with all the trimmings?
What if your Thanksgiving dinner will consist of a plate of Top Ramen formed into the shape of a fucking turkey?
And washed down with a glass of Thunderbird?
Are you supposed to be thankful for this?
Maybe that’s what Thanksgiving is.
A day to show our gratitude,
No matter what your present circumstances are.
But unfortunately, most people are not grateful.
They’re not thankful.
They feel entitled.
Who are these pompous assholes?
That create a dinner that becomes more of an ego statement than a culinary delight.
That’s not gratitude.
Look at my turkey dinner,
Look at my table,
Look at my decorations,
Look at me.
Take that turkey and shove it up your fat ass,
I’m going to Denny’s!
Have you ever noticed that the word “Thanksgiving” doesn’t make any fucking sense.
Think about it.
Just because these two words were put together,
doesn’t make it proper English (Public schools).
Somebody made this shit up.
What the fuck does that mean?
Maybe it should have been “Thank You Day,”
or “Thanks a Lot Day.”
or “Giving Thanks Day.”
But who are we thanking anyway?
Am I supposed to thank you?
You didn’t do a fucking thing for me all year.
Are we supposed to thank our government?
For what, trying to destroy the American Dream?
Fuck you Bush!
Maybe we’re supposed to thank God?
Or Mother Nature?
Or the Universe?
Maybe that’s it?
Maybe we’re supposed to show our gratitude for the things we all take for granted?
Like our planet,
like our lives,
like the lives of others.
And we show our “thanks” by creating a feast and “giving” it to our friends and loved ones.
Now I get it.
© 2013 OMW
Posted in New Posts, Uncategorized | Tagged america, asshole, baby boomers, being human, culture, funny, Holidays, humor, Ignorance, informative, inspiration, mike sasso, old man walking, oprah, Thanksgiving, turkey dinner, weeklyrant | Leave a Comment »
Every now and again, the other side likes to claim President Obama doesn’t have a record to run on. They’re wrong. Here’s a taste of why:
(Just a couple of) the Obama Administration’s accomplishments:
1. The first bill President Obama signed was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, to help women fight back when they don’t get equal pay for equal work.
2. His Recovery Act supported millions of jobs and helped to stave off a second Great Depression.
3. He pushed for and won middle-class tax cuts that benefitted every American worker, and saved the typical family $3,600 in taxes over the last four years.
4. President Obama rescued the auto industry, and now GM and Chrysler are healthier than they’ve ever been. The American auto industry has added nearly a quarter of a million jobs since June 2009 — and they most likely wouldn’t exist right now without President Obama’s leadership.
5. He doubled funding for Pell Grants, helping to make college more affordable for nearly 10 million families.
6. His student loan reform ended billions in subsidies to banks serving as middlemen and reinvested those savings directly into students.
7. The President established the American Opportunity Tax Credit, worth up to $10,000 over four years of college.
8. His Race to the Top Initiative helped spur nearly every state to raise academic standards.
9. His tax cuts, social-welfare programs, and economic policies lifted nearly 7 million Americans above the federal poverty line in 2010.
10. President Obama has signed 18 tax cuts for small businesses since taking office.
11. We’ve seen 5.2 million new private-sector jobs over the last 31 months.
12. The unemployment rate is at the lowest level since President Obama took office.
13. Health care reform — passed after decades of failed attempts by every previous President — provides affordable health coverage to every American and will lower premiums by an average of $2,000 per family by 2019.
14. Obamacare expanded access to lifesaving preventive care such as cancer screenings and immunizations with no out-of-pocket costs for 54 million Americans.
15. Obamacare ends insurance discrimination against the 129 million Americans with pre-existing conditions.
16. Because of Obamacare, over 3 million more young adults have health insurance today than would if the new law hadn’t passed.
17. The parents of over 17 million children with pre-existing conditions no longer have to worry that their children will be denied coverage.
18. President Obama has ordered the overhaul of federal government regulations to make them smarter, practical, and more efficient. Just a fraction of these commonsense initiatives will help save businesses $10 billion in the next five years alone.
19. His historic investments in clean energy have helped more than double the amount of electricity we obtain from wind and solar sources and helped increase biofuel production to its highest level in history.
20. President Obama is doubling fuel efficiency standards, which will save drivers more than $8,000 at the gas pump, not to mention lessen the impact of automobiles on our environment.
21. President Obama has taken unprecedented action to address climate change, reaching historic international agreements to curb carbon emissions, and taking action here at home to reduce carbon pollution from our vehicles and promote clean energy production.
22. He has taken historic action to protect our environment — signing one of the largest expansions of protected wilderness in a generation and putting in place standards to reduce toxic air pollution that will save thousands of lives.
23. President Obama fought for and won landmark Wall Street reform that reins in the abuses that led to the financial crisis and ends the era of taxpayer bailouts and “too big to fail.”
24. Wall Street reform created the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, the nation’s first federal agency focused solely on consumer financial protection — and the Bureau is already protecting families from unfair and abusive financial practices from Wall Street banks and shadowy corners of the financial industry.
25. As part of President Obama’s commitment to transparency, the White House has posted its visitor records online for the first time ever.
26. President Obama’s all-of-the-above approach to energy has helped cut the United States’ dependence on foreign oil to its lowest level in 20 years.
27. President Obama responsibly ended the war in Iraq.
28. He announced a plan to end the war in Afghanistan and transition security responsibility to the Afghan people.
29. President Obama sent the largest security assistance package to Israel in history and funded the Iron Dome system, which is protecting Israeli homes and schools from rocket attacks.
30. President Obama rallied the international community to implement the toughest sanctions on Iran in history.
31. Through the President’s historic increases in Veterans Affairs funding, he has expanded and improved healthcare and job training access for our returning veterans.
32. President Obama negotiated the New START Treaty with Russia to reduce the number of nuclear weapons in both countries. At the same time, he also secured commitments from dozens of other countries to lock down nuclear materials.
33. His administration naturalized 11,146 military service members as U.S. citizens in 2010; more than in any year since 1955.
34. President Obama set a bold new plan for the future of NASA space exploration, using the skill and ability of the private sector for short trips to the International Space Station, while building a new vehicle for exploration of distant space, and doing everything in his power to support the economy on Florida’s Space Coast.
35. President Obama recognizes that tourism is one of America’s largest economic engines; he’s worked to encourage international visitors to come here, maintaining our security while keeping millions of Americans in good, paying jobs.
36. He has affirmed his personal support of marriage equality, directed the Justice Department to stop defending DOMA in federal courts, and took the practical and compassionate step of extending hospital visitation rights to same-sex partners.
37. He fought for and won the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, allowing gay and lesbian members of the military to serve openly for the first time in history.
38. When Congress failed to fix our broken immigration system, his administration did everything in its power to improve it, streamlining the legal immigration process and announcing a policy that lifts the shadow of deportation from hard working young immigrants brought to the U.S. as children.
39. Oh, and he gave the order to send troops in after Osama Bin Laden — and has decimated al-Qaeda’s senior leadership.
Unlike other religious doctrines, like the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, and the Book of Moron (not a typo), the Book of Asshole is a secret manifesto to which only a select few may subscribe. Although I’m happy to report that our population is growing by leaps and bounds.
But to become a devotee of Asshole, one must first meet a rigid criterion, and swear his or her allegiance to the revered and exulted Assholiness.
To become an official Asshole one must agree to following:
First and foremost, you must be a sociopath.
You can’t give a shit about anyone else and be a real Asshole.
Next, you must be dishonest, untrustworthy, and deceitful.
Or in layman’s terms, fuck everyone in the ass whenever possible and without remorse.
And what would an Asshole be if he or she wasn’t passive aggressive?
This is one of the most endearing and revolting characteristics of a pure, unadulterated Asshole.
To be a true Asshole, you must always be consistent.
Remember our credo, “Once an Asshole, always an Asshole.”
An Asshole should never be predictable.
The element of surprise has proven to be a very powerful and useful tool for Assholes throughout history.
You must talk trash on everyone, including your family and friends (they all secretly hate you anyway, don’t they?).
There’s nothing more fun and effective than creating lies that defame someone’s character and/or their reputation. Especially if they loose their job.
Run for public office.
There’s nothing more exciting than an Asshole in charge of other people’s destiny – this one brings tears to my eyes.
Lie and Cheat whenever possible.
This includes everything from card games to your income taxes. Or especially on your income taxes, fuck those lazy middle class bastards.
Never take responsibility for anything.
You can always blame it on some innocent sap if you think hard enough. Be creative.
Make higher education even more elitist.
Keep the people stupid and hungry at all costs. They’re much easier to fuck over that way.
Never trust anyone, not even another Asshole.
Be careful out there, Assholes have been known to even destroy there own kind.
Dress well and smile.
An attractive and well groomed Asshole is an effective and productive Asshole.
Stay in shape by abusing and/or killing small defenseless animals.
Although usually recommended for young and aspiring Assholes, it never hurts to keep on top of your game.
Never offer to pay for anything, ever.
There’s always some fool that will proudly pick-up the tab – worst case scenario, fake a heart attack.
Remove the word “loyalty” from your vocabulary.
A real Asshole is only loyal to one thing, the Asshole’s credo.
Demolish all social programs.
No one really cares about the poor anyway, especially Assholes.
Never help anyone in need.
In fact, see if there are any possibilities to take advantage of their unfortunate circumstances.
Have illicit affairs whenever opportunity knocks.
And don’t apologize, your needs always come first.
Report your neighborhoods to code enforcement.
For all you know, that room addition they’ve been bragging about all summer could now be harboring illegal aliens.
Use other belief systems to promote your hidden agenda.
Manipulate and take advantage of larger groups of people by claiming that you have been sent here by their God.
Always complain in restaurants and never leave a tip.
Who knows, you might get a discount or even get a free meal.
And last, but certainly not least, become a member of the Republican Party.
You won’t find a larger or more devoted group of Assholes anywhere else on the planet.
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