It’s almost News Year’s Eve.
Where did that fucking year go!
And with this, a new year.
This past year was a fucking nightmare.
And every new year offers us a new opportunity.
An opportunity for self reflection.
An opportunity to examine the events of the past year and think of ways we can improve our lives.
So we sit down and we make a list.
And we call this list our New Year’s Resolutions.
As a service to my readers, I have compiled a number of possible New Year’s Resolutions that you might find helpful in making your list this New Year.
So here we go:
Stop eating enough for two or three people.
Be kind to others.
Stop farting at the dinner table,
breakfast is still OK.
Change your underwear at least once a month.
Quit loading your shotgun in the baby’s room.
Exercise more than… start exercising.
Brush your tooth.
Quit saying “I dunno.”
Stop swinging the cat by the tail – it stopped being funny about a month ago.
Trim your nose hairs.
Quit talking on your cell phone while driving.
Quit texting, period.
Boycott CNN and Fox.
Try to aim better when pissing.
Quit trying to shit standing up.
Spend more (some) time with your kids.
Learn how to read.
Take more walks.
Quit feeling guilty.
Stop picking your nose while driving.
Eat more fish.
Buy Girl Scout Cookies whenever possible.
Mow your lawn more than twice a year.
Take down your fucking Christmas lights right after New Years.
Think about others occasionally, you self-centered prick.
Quit chewing tobacco.
Be more grateful.
Stop smacking your gum.
Shave your back.
Return those lawn tools your borrowed three years ago.
Continue boycotting Walmart.
Quit blaming everyone else.
Stop eating Fast Food.
Let your dogs inside when it’s raining.
Quit pissing in the shower.
Call your Mother.
Take a night class.
Try calming the fuck down.
Be kind to small animals.
Take your head out of your ass.
Thank your wife for dinner occasionally.
Quit saying Seinfeld was the greatest show ever – we all know this.
Stop quoting movies.
Start quoting Ginsberg or Burroughs.
Quit listening to the “voices.”
Loose that mohawk.
Stop piercing your body.
Offer to help with the dishes.
Pick up the dog shit more than once a month.
Quit stealing your neighbor’s newspaper.
Quit “farming” on Facebook.
Go out to dinner more often.
Quit calling strangers “Buddy, Boss or Dude.”
Water your plants.
Drink more water.
Loose 200 pounds.
Stop trying to control every fucking thing.
Quit being such an asshole.
Mind your own fucking business.
Quit showing off your iPhone or your Droid. We don’t care anymore.
Take that fucking ear piece off when you’re not driving.
Take your bi-polar medication, please.
Stop blaming everything on your parents.
Order something new on the menu.
Quit talking shit behind people’s back.
Stand calmly in lines.
Treat your staff with dignity.
Go to college.
Don’t drink milk after the expiration date.
Appreciate what you have.
Quit saying “fuck” in every sentence.
Look at the sky more often.
Hold the door open for senior citizens, people in wheel chairs, and beautiful women with big tits.
Have a Happy New Year.
© 2012 OMW