Feeds:
Posts
Comments

A New Year.

It’s almost News Year’s Eve.

Where did that fucking year go!

And with this, a new year.

Thank God!

This past year was a fucking nightmare.

And every new year offers us a new opportunity.

An opportunity for self reflection.

An opportunity to examine the events of the past year and think of ways we can improve our lives.

So we sit down and we make a list.

And we call this list our New Year’s Resolutions.

As a service to my readers, I have compiled a number of possible New Year’s Resolutions that you might find helpful in making your list this New Year.

So here we go:

Stop smoking.

Stop drinking.

Stop eating enough for two or three people.

Be kind to others.

Stop farting at the dinner table,

breakfast is still OK.

Change your underwear at least once a month.

Quit loading your shotgun in the baby’s room.

Exercise more than…  start exercising.

Brush your tooth.

Quit saying “I dunno.”

Stop swinging the cat by the tail – it stopped being funny about a month ago.

Trim your nose hairs.

Quit talking on your cell phone while driving.

Quit texting, period.

Quit Twitter.

Boycott CNN and Fox.

Try to aim better when pissing.

Quit trying to shit standing up.

Spend more (some) time with your kids.

Read more.

Learn how to read.

Worry less.

Take more walks.

Quit feeling guilty.

Stop picking your nose while driving.

Quit bowling.

Eat more fish.

Buy Girl Scout Cookies whenever possible.

Mow your lawn more than twice a year.

Take down your fucking Christmas lights right after New Years.

Think about others occasionally, you self-centered prick.

Quit chewing tobacco.

Be more grateful.

Save money.

Stop smacking your gum.

Shave your back.

Return those lawn tools your borrowed three years ago.

Continue boycotting Walmart.

Quit blaming everyone else.

Worry less.

Stop eating Fast Food.

Let your dogs inside when it’s raining.

Quit pissing in the shower.

Call your Mother.

Take a night class.

Try calming the fuck down.

Be kind to small animals.

Take your head out of your ass.

Thank your wife for dinner occasionally.

Quit saying Seinfeld was the greatest show ever – we all know this.

Stop quoting movies.

Start quoting Ginsberg or Burroughs.

Listen more.

Worry less.

Quit listening to the “voices.”

Loose that mohawk.

Stop piercing your body.

Offer to help with the dishes.

Pick up the dog shit more than once a month.

Quit stealing your neighbor’s newspaper.

Quit “farming” on Facebook.

Quit Facebook.

Go out to dinner more often.

Quit calling strangers “Buddy, Boss or Dude.”

Water your plants.

Drink more water.

Loose 200 pounds.

Stop trying to control every fucking thing.

Quit being such an asshole.

Mind your own fucking business.

Play more.

Quit showing off your iPhone or your Droid. We don’t care anymore.

Take that fucking ear piece off when you’re not driving.

Quit spitting.

Worry less.

Take your bi-polar medication, please.

Stop blaming everything on your parents.

Order something new on the menu.

Quit talking shit behind people’s back.

Stand calmly in lines.

Treat your staff with dignity.

Quit lying!

Go to college.

Don’t drink milk after the expiration date.

Appreciate what you have.

Ride bicycles.

Quit saying “fuck” in every sentence.

Look at the sky more often.

Hold the door open for senior citizens, people in wheel chairs, and beautiful women with big tits.

Worry less.

Have a Happy New Year.

© 2012 OMW

The Holidaze.

To celebrate the upcoming holiday season,

here’s a chapter from my Best Selling Book,

“Being Human.”

We have a lot of Holidays, here in America.

Probably too many.

To prove my point,

here’s a partial list of Holidays we celebrate every year.

We start the year off with New Years day.

Then there’s Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday,

Groundhog Day,

Lincoln’s Birthday,

St. Valentine’s Day,

President’s Day,

Washington’s Birthday,

St. Patrick’s Day

April Fools’ Day,

Easter,

Earth Day,

May Day,

Mother’s Day,

Armed Forces Day,

Memorial Day,

Flag Day,

Father’s Day,

Independence Day,

Labor Day,

Grandparents’ Day,

Patriot Day,

Citizenship Day,

Columbus Day,

Halloween,

Election Day,

Thanksgiving Day,

World Aids Day,

Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day,

Human Rights Day,

Christmas Eve,

and finally,

Christmas Day.

Now that’s a lot of fucking holidays.

Personally, I think there are only two holidays worth celebrating:

Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Fuck April Fool’s Day, Patriot Day and all the rest of those bullshit holidays.

Thanksgiving and Christmas, now these are real Holidays.

There’s always good food, family and friends, presents and of course, alcohol.

A good time is had by all.

Or so we hope.

And, if you’re not having a good time, get drunk.

It’s OK, it’s the Holidays.

But for some, the holidays are a miserable time.

A time of sadness and disappointment.

In fact, there are more suicides during the holiday season then any other time of the year.

Happy Holidays.

But for most, the holidays are a special time.

A time to show our love to our families and friends.

A time to reflect upon our lives and appreciate what we have.

But what if you don’t like your life?

What if you have nothing to celebrate?

What if you are stuck in a miserable existence, surrounded by people that you hate?

Or, worse yet, people that hate you?

Happy Holidays.

Unfortunately, this situation is more common than not.

The holidays force us into the same room, with family members we haven’t seen all year.

People we would never associate with, outside the holiday milieu.

But we all put on our Holiday Faces, and make the best of it.

We try our best to perpetuate the illusion of love and happiness.

We even buy gifts for these assholes.

All for the sake of the holiday season, for the sake of our families, for peace on earth.

If the truth be known, most people hate the holidays.

We eat too much, drink too much, and spend way too much money, on bullshit no one really wants or needs.

Things like neckties, electric back scratchers and those fucking fruitcakes.

But, what if we didn’t spend all this money during the Holidays?

What if we collected all the money spent on gifts and gave it to the poor, starving people around the world?

That’s about as likely to happen as finally telling your Uncle Jerk that’s he’s a inappropriate, overbearing, perverted asshole.

It’ll never happen.

Why?

Because there’s too much money to be made.

The business world has been waiting for this all year.

The Holiday Season is the epitome of our capitalistic ideology.

Create a day that requires everyone, everywhere, to buy as much shit as they possibly can.

For people they don’t even like.

It’s brilliant! And we’ve all bought into it.

In fact, we love it.

It makes us feel good. It gives us a chance, for one day a year, to feel like we’re a loving, caring, generous people.

We can be an asshole the rest of the year, but on Christmas, we’re a saint.

And the more you spend, the better a person you are.

“Look at me, I just spent a fortune on your fat ass, now what do you think of me?”

“If the truth be known, you’re still a fucking asshole.

But thanks for the gifts.”

The Holidays can also be very competitive too.

Whoever buys the best shit wins.

“I gave you a solid gold watch and you have the nerve to give me these cheap fucking earrings?

Is this how you really feel about me, after all I’ve done for you? You cheap bastard.

Thanks for ruining my Christmas.”

“Fuck you and the reindeer you rode in on.”

Happy Holidazes.

© 2012 OMW

Giving thanks.

It’s almost Thanksgiving again.

Wasn’t it just the Fourth of July?

But the leaves are falling,

and it’s colder than fuck.

So it must be time again,

for the fattest nation on earth,

to stuff their birds and their fat ugly faces,

and eat themselves into a triptafan induced coma.

Thanksgiving.

It’s just another holiday.

Just another excuse to spend too much.

Another excuse to eat too much.

Another excuse to drink too much.

Another excuse to capitalize on a national tradition.

Just another excuse for corporate America to exploit the masses.

By creating a massive obligation for everyone to be thankful – whether they are or not.

But what if you’re not thankful?

What if you’re not in the mood to celebrate?

What if you’re now so poor that you can’t afford a fucking turkey dinner with all the trimmings?

What if your Thanksgiving dinner will consist of a plate of Top Ramen formed into the shape of a fucking turkey?

And washed down with a glass of Thunderbird?

Are you supposed to be thankful for this?

Maybe so.

Maybe that’s what Thanksgiving is.

A day to show our gratitude,

our appreciation,

our thankfulness.

No matter what your present circumstances are.

But unfortunately, most people are not grateful.

They’re not thankful.

They feel entitled.

Who are these pompous assholes?

That create a dinner that becomes more of an ego statement than a culinary delight.

That’s not gratitude.

That’s decadence.

Look at my turkey dinner,

Look at my table,

Look at my decorations,

Look at me.

Fuck you!

Take that turkey and shove it up your fat ass,

I’m going to Denny’s!

Moving on.

Have you ever noticed that the word “Thanksgiving” doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Think about it.

Thanksgiving.

Just because these two words were put together,

doesn’t make it proper English (Public schools).

Somebody made this shit up.

Thanksgiving!

What the fuck does that mean?

Maybe it should have been “Thank You Day,”

or “Thanks a Lot Day.”

or “Giving Thanks Day.”

But who are we thanking anyway?

Am I supposed to thank you?

You didn’t do a fucking thing for me all year.

Fuck you!

Are we supposed to thank our government?

For what, trying to destroy the American Dream?

Fuck you Bush!

Maybe we’re supposed to thank God?

Or Mother Nature?

Or the Universe?

Maybe that’s it?

Maybe we’re supposed to show our gratitude for the things we all take for granted?

Like our planet,

like our lives,

like the lives of others.

And we show our “thanks” by creating a feast and “giving” it to our friends and loved ones.

Now I get it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2013 OMW

OBAMA 2012

Every now and again, the other side likes to claim President Obama doesn’t have a record to run on. They’re wrong. Here’s a taste of why:

(Just a couple of) the Obama Administration’s accomplishments:

1. The first bill President Obama signed was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, to help women fight back when they don’t get equal pay for equal work.

2. His Recovery Act supported millions of jobs and helped to stave off a second Great Depression.

3. He pushed for and won middle-class tax cuts that benefitted every American worker, and saved the typical family $3,600 in taxes over the last four years.

4. President Obama rescued the auto industry, and now GM and Chrysler are healthier than they’ve ever been. The American auto industry has added nearly a quarter of a million jobs since June 2009 — and they most likely wouldn’t exist right now without President Obama’s leadership.

5. He doubled funding for Pell Grants, helping to make college more affordable for nearly 10 million families.

6. His student loan reform ended billions in subsidies to banks serving as middlemen and reinvested those savings directly into students.

7. The President established the American Opportunity Tax Credit, worth up to $10,000 over four years of college.

8. His Race to the Top Initiative helped spur nearly every state to raise academic standards.

9. His tax cuts, social-welfare programs, and economic policies lifted nearly 7 million Americans above the federal poverty line in 2010.

10. President Obama has signed 18 tax cuts for small businesses since taking office.

11. We’ve seen 5.2 million new private-sector jobs over the last 31 months.

12. The unemployment rate is at the lowest level since President Obama took office.

13. Health care reform — passed after decades of failed attempts by every previous President — provides affordable health coverage to every American and will lower premiums by an average of $2,000 per family by 2019.

14. Obamacare expanded access to lifesaving preventive care such as cancer screenings and immunizations with no out-of-pocket costs for 54 million Americans.

15. Obamacare ends insurance discrimination against the 129 million Americans with pre-existing conditions.

16. Because of Obamacare, over 3 million more young adults have health insurance today than would if the new law hadn’t passed.

17. The parents of over 17 million children with pre-existing conditions no longer have to worry that their children will be denied coverage.

18. President Obama has ordered the overhaul of federal government regulations to make them smarter, practical, and more efficient. Just a fraction of these commonsense initiatives will help save businesses $10 billion in the next five years alone.

19. His historic investments in clean energy have helped more than double the amount of electricity we obtain from wind and solar sources and helped increase biofuel production to its highest level in history.

20. President Obama is doubling fuel efficiency standards, which will save drivers more than $8,000 at the gas pump, not to mention lessen the impact of automobiles on our environment.

21. President Obama has taken unprecedented action to address climate change, reaching historic international agreements to curb carbon emissions, and taking action here at home to reduce carbon pollution from our vehicles and promote clean energy production.

22. He has taken historic action to protect our environment — signing one of the largest expansions of protected wilderness in a generation and putting in place standards to reduce toxic air pollution that will save thousands of lives.

23. President Obama fought for and won landmark Wall Street reform that reins in the abuses that led to the financial crisis and ends the era of taxpayer bailouts and “too big to fail.”

24. Wall Street reform created the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, the nation’s first federal agency focused solely on consumer financial protection — and the Bureau is already protecting families from unfair and abusive financial practices from Wall Street banks and shadowy corners of the financial industry.

25. As part of President Obama’s commitment to transparency, the White House has posted its visitor records online for the first time ever.

26. President Obama’s all-of-the-above approach to energy has helped cut the United States’ dependence on foreign oil to its lowest level in 20 years.

27. President Obama responsibly ended the war in Iraq.

28. He announced a plan to end the war in Afghanistan and transition security responsibility to the Afghan people.

29. President Obama sent the largest security assistance package to Israel in history and funded the Iron Dome system, which is protecting Israeli homes and schools from rocket attacks.

30. President Obama rallied the international community to implement the toughest sanctions on Iran in history.

31. Through the President’s historic increases in Veterans Affairs funding, he has expanded and improved healthcare and job training access for our returning veterans.

32. President Obama negotiated the New START Treaty with Russia to reduce the number of nuclear weapons in both countries. At the same time, he also secured commitments from dozens of other countries to lock down nuclear materials.

33. His administration naturalized 11,146 military service members as U.S. citizens in 2010; more than in any year since 1955.

34. President Obama set a bold new plan for the future of NASA space exploration, using the skill and ability of the private sector for short trips to the International Space Station, while building a new vehicle for exploration of distant space, and doing everything in his power to support the economy on Florida’s Space Coast.

35. President Obama recognizes that tourism is one of America’s largest economic engines; he’s worked to encourage international visitors to come here, maintaining our security while keeping millions of Americans in good, paying jobs.

36. He has affirmed his personal support of marriage equality, directed the Justice Department to stop defending DOMA in federal courts, and took the practical and compassionate step of extending hospital visitation rights to same-sex partners.

37. He fought for and won the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, allowing gay and lesbian members of the military to serve openly for the first time in history.

38. When Congress failed to fix our broken immigration system, his administration did everything in its power to improve it, streamlining the legal immigration process and announcing a policy that lifts the shadow of deportation from hard working young immigrants brought to the U.S. as children.

39. Oh, and he gave the order to send troops in after Osama Bin Laden — and has decimated al-Qaeda’s senior leadership.

The Book of Asshole.

Unlike other religious doctrines, like the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, and the Book of Moron (not a typo), the Book of Asshole is a secret manifesto to which only a select few may subscribe. Although I’m happy to report that our population is growing by leaps and bounds.

But to become a devotee of Asshole, one must first meet a rigid criterion, and swear his or her allegiance to the revered and exulted Assholiness.

To become an official Asshole one must agree to following:

First and foremost, you must be a sociopath.

You can’t give a shit about anyone else and be a real Asshole.

Next, you must be dishonest, untrustworthy, and deceitful.

Or in layman’s terms, fuck everyone in the ass whenever possible and without remorse.

And what would an Asshole be if he or she wasn’t passive aggressive?

This is one of the most endearing and revolting characteristics of a pure, unadulterated Asshole.

To be a true Asshole, you must always be consistent.

Remember our credo, “Once an Asshole, always an Asshole.”

An Asshole should never be predictable.

The element of surprise has proven to be a very powerful and useful tool for Assholes throughout history.

You must talk trash on everyone, including your family and friends (they all secretly hate you anyway, don’t they?).

There’s nothing more fun and effective than creating lies that defame someone’s character and/or their reputation. Especially if they loose their job.

Run for public office.

There’s nothing more exciting than an Asshole in charge of other people’s destiny – this one brings tears to my eyes.

Lie and Cheat whenever possible.

This includes everything from card games to your income taxes. Or especially on your income taxes, fuck those lazy middle class bastards.

Never take responsibility for anything.

You can always blame it on some innocent sap if you think hard enough. Be creative.

Make higher education even more elitist.

Keep the people stupid and hungry at all costs. They’re much easier to fuck over that way.

Never trust anyone, not even another Asshole.

Be careful out there, Assholes have been known to even destroy there own kind.

Dress well and smile.

An attractive and well groomed Asshole is an effective and productive Asshole.

Stay in shape by abusing and/or killing small defenseless animals.

Although usually recommended for young and aspiring Assholes, it never hurts to keep on top of your game.

Never offer to pay for anything, ever.

There’s always some fool that will proudly pick-up the tab – worst case scenario, fake a heart attack.

Remove the word “loyalty” from your vocabulary.

A real Asshole is only loyal to one thing, the Asshole’s credo.

Demolish all social programs.

No one really cares about the poor anyway, especially Assholes.

Never help anyone in need.

In fact, see if there are any possibilities to take advantage of their unfortunate circumstances.

Have illicit affairs whenever opportunity knocks.

And don’t apologize, your needs always come first.

Report your neighborhoods to code enforcement.

For all you know, that room addition they’ve been bragging about all summer could now be harboring illegal aliens.

Use other belief systems to promote your hidden agenda.

Manipulate and take advantage of larger groups of people by claiming that you have been sent here by their God.

Always complain in restaurants and never leave a tip.

Who knows, you might get a discount or even get a free meal.

And last, but certainly not least, become a member of the Republican Party.

You won’t find a larger or more devoted group of Assholes anywhere else on the planet.

©OMW 2012

The elephant’s ass.

I think I finally understand the Republican’s basic philosophy,

fuck you, and you and you.

It’s just a big fuck you,

to just about everyone.

Except the extremely rich of course.

They claim they want less government,

or no government intervention.

(unless one those rich bastards needs a bail out).

They want everyone to either sink or swim on their own.

No labor unions.

No healthcare.

No public radio.

No support for the arts.

No social security.

No banking regulations.

In fact no regulations at all.

No welfare.

No unemployment insurance.

No minimum wage.

No nothing.

And they claim to be Christians?

Who are these assholes?

And why did you vote for them?

The Democrats,

on the other hand.

want to help everyone.

They want more government,

more programs to help the people.

They say yes to human rights,

Yes to healthcare,

Yes to public radio,

Yes to government regulations,

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Fuck yes!

Social programs?

Bring-’em on.

They actually want to help the American people.

And what’s wrong with that?

Not everyone in American was born with a silver spoon up their ass,

let alone service for twelve.

Our people need help.

They need safe food to eat.

Safe water to drink.

A safe place to live.

They need an education.

An opportunity to work and to support their families.

They need a caring government,

a compassionate government,

that assures that each and and everyone of us,

has the right to our basic freedoms.

Freedom from suppression,

Freedom from servitude,

Freedom from predatory lenders,

Freedom to think and speak our minds.

Freedom to worship the God of our choice.

Freedom to educate ourselves.

And the Freedom to vote against the tyranny of the rich and powerful.

The same rich and powerful that now own everything,

including the media.

And the politicians.

No wonder they don’t want public radio,

they don’t want the people to hear the truth.

They now control the message.

For he that controls the message,

controls the mind of the populous.

And an uneducated population is even easier to persuade,

to control.

Keep them ignorant, pregnant and in debt.

The best thing that the American people can do,

to ensure that their minds are not controllable,

is to read,

think for yourself,

pay attention to what is really happening,

get an education,

turn off the radio,

and the TV.

And don’t allow yourself to become depressed,

obese,

and complacent.

Be strong,

and fight for your rights,

as Americans.

This is your country,

the same country that your ancestors,

gave up their live’s to protect.

To protect the freedom of future generations.

Well that freedom is now in jeopardy.

And we all need to stand up against these maniacal bastards,

and use the only weapon we have.

Our vote.

But we must use this weapon wisely,

by supporting only those candidates,

that will serve the interests of the American people,

not the interests of the rich and powerful.

God Bless America.

And fuck the Republican Party,

in their elephant’s ass.

© OMW 2012

Public Office

Why would anyone, in their right mind, run for public office?

Is it Power,

prestige,

impotence,

control,

blow jobs,

suppression,

pay-offs,

ego,

illicit affairs,

all of the above?

And why do only uncaring, self-serving assholes run for office?

And how or why do they win?

What I really don’t or can’t understand,

is why a poor black man from Mississippi,

will cast his vote for a rich motherfucker from Texas.

Or a poor Mexican family that supports Donald Trump.

And let’s not forget the under–educated white man that can’t wait to vote against one of the greatest presidents in modern history,

just because he’s black.

Don’t the people in this stupid country think first before they cast their ballot?

Their voting record speaks for its self: Richard “I am not a crook” Nixon, Ronald “trickle down” Reagan, George “What the fuck” Bush, Dick” I shot my friend in the face” Cheney, John “I can’t lift my arms” McCain, Sarah “The cheerleader of ignorance” Palin, and currently Mitt “Fuck the poor” Romney.

These people aren’t (weren’t) public servants.

They are (were) self-serving assholes.

Power mongers.

Puppets.

Assholes.

Put into office by special interest groups,

to pass legislation that only serves corporate wealth,

not the American people.

Not assholes like you or me.

But corporate assholes like Monsanto, Exxon, and the Koch brothers.

They couldn’t care less about you,

“Mr. Joe Public,”

or the impoverished,

or the sick,

or the unemployed,

or the homeless,

or the uneducated,

or the single mother,

or the enlisted man or women,

or the gays,

or the evicted,

or the mentally ill,

or the senior citizens,

or the farm workers,

or the starving,

or the legal immigrants,

or the blue collar worker,

or the middle class,

or the environment.

They don’t care about anyone or anything,

but themselves,

and their rich fucking cronies.

So who the fuck is running this country?

Certainly not the voters.

We just stand in line for hours at the polls,

in the pouring rain or falling snow,

and blindly elect these assholes we’ve been told to vote for,

and limp home to our life of “not.”

What a democracy!

Meanwhile, the “haves” ride off in their limousines or fly off in their private jets (which, by the way, were paid for by you the voter),

to their opulent, lavish mansions,

and slam their door in the faces of the American people. (The same pathetic people that just voted them into office).

And then they continue, once again, their senseless, heartless, and ruthless fucking of the American people.

If only the people of this insipid country,

would finally wake up from their collective American nightmare,

and realize that a mere one percent of the people in this country,

control the majority of the wealth.

Maybe then, possibly, but doubtfully, they’ll realize who’s really in charge.

It’s certainly not the remaining 99%.

They never were,

and they never will be.

This country is run by the corporations,

by Wall Street,

and by the absurdly rich.

Not the American people.

Not you and me.

And it’s our own fault.

The American people are so fucking stupid,

and have been so throughly brained washed,

that they continue to elect politicians that only represent the rich,

the corporations,

the special interest groups,

the 1%.

These are the same politicians that send our children off to fight needless and unjust wars,

that support the outsourcing of American jobs to foreign countries,

that defend the bankers that have unfairly foreclosed on our homes,

and proudly vote against social programs that would help every American,

like universal healthcare.

Our elections are bought and paid for,

by the same assholes that control all the wealth.

The “One Per-centers.”

And if that isn’t bad enough, our fucking elections aren’t even honest.

George W. didn’t win the election in the year 2000.

He was anointed the presidency by a Supreme Court ruling.

I think it’s funny, no tragic, that the United States claims to be the greatest Democracy in the history of the world,

yet we can’t even hold a fair or accurate election.

The candidate with the most power and money wins,

not the most votes.

And the people of our once great nation loose.

Again.

But this is another election year,

another opportunity to elect dignified candidates,

who will actually defend the rights of the American people,

and who will represent all Americans, not just the chosen few.

If they count the ballots accurately.

Vote responsibly.

© OMW 2012

(Originally posted in February of this year).

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 86 other followers